January Post of the Month

I suck at blogging or even remembering that I have a blog, but my new goal this year is to post at least once a month. So, here goes January...

Or, as ABC cleverly called it in promos leading up to the new season of The Bachelor, "Juanuary".

#stilladdicted #teamandi

Twenty fourteen has been good to me so far! I like that the New Year and my birthday are so close because I feel like I can start a year of my life with a clean slate in one refreshing swoop! Hit the big 22, starting to feel really old, and I'm 94 percent sure wrinkles are forming around my eyes.

(I can still be loved, right? There are guys out there who will look past wrinkles, yeah?)

FUN FACT: Found out the other day both my grandmothers were married at 21, so basically I win! Because, as we all know, everything is a competition--especially love.

#thingsilearnfromthebachelor

Work and school are keeping me busier than ever, but what else is new? I mean, who has time to choreograph 10 group competition routines, manage a full college class load, be a member of a team, rehearse for department concerts, and plan major campus events? Nobody. However, one severely insane someone THINKS she does. I'm harder on myself than onions on the eyeballs, but if I make it through the next five months alive, I'm going to mix things up with self praise and pride until my ego bursts. I'm going to treat myself to a day at the spa, 12 Blimey Limey smoothies (#tropicalsmoothie), a pedicure, and at least one jar of dill pickles, reminiscing the whole time about how I didn't die my senior year of college. I'm halfway there! I can do this!

I have lots of opportunities presented to me right now regarding my future, and I can't wait to take them! I literally have no clue where I'll be in six months or what I'll be doing. And that's pretty awesome. Also, extremely terrifying. Internships, applications, résumés, auditions...

BIG WORDS, BIG PLANS.

Recently, I met with an ex and got some really great closure, so that's been a relief. I wish I had done that with others in the past. Feels great, and I'm happy with where we both are at in out lives now. That chapter happened and it's over. I no longer have to play the "You're Dead to Me" game. Dear future self: Seek clothes. That's supposed to say closure, but clothes works, too. (See? Even autocorrect wishes I spent more time wearing pants.)

I went on a date tonight for the first time in a long time! And for the first time in a long time it was a date with a MAN. Me calling someone a "man" is like handing out a VIP pass to the snazziest donut eating club in town, so yeah... Kind of a big deal. This man is a truly wonderful human. We had a great time! So respectful, funny, and real. It's hard to find guys like that in college. #akahesnotincollege #reasonswhyivealwaysbeenattractedtooldermen

Quick note here to all the ladies who will ever read this: DON'T BE AWFUL. Lately, after witnessing some lady drama go down that emotionally damaged one of my homegirls, I've been thinking about how terrible girls can be to each other. Why do we do it? Why do we allow ourselves to be so self serving and inconsiderate of others, especially when we all KNOW how hard it is to be a girl? Just stop. Stop with the mind games and the crap and the drama. It's not worth it.

#duh #youdnevergetaroseattheroseceremony #worldpeace

10 days until California ballroom tour!
96 days until graduation!
-3 hours since I should have gone to bed.

Thoughts About 2013

Why am I suddenly emerging from the cyberspace woodwork, you ask?

BECAUSE I JUST PASSED ALL MY CLASSES.

And I really, really didn't think that would happen this semester.

Not even a single C!

WHAT.

I guess it's time to stop complaining about your life when the lowest grade you've ever received in your college career is a B. #shamelesspride

But really, it's been a pretty crazy year. I'm going to complain now, so feel free to stop reading.

The year 2013 has probably been the most disappointing year of my existence. Lots of lesson learned, that's for sure! And since it's about to come to an end, I guess now would be a good time to reflect on those lessons and what caused them. If not for any gain, at least for an historical account.

At the beginning of the year, I opened my dead heart to love again. After existing with complete and total numbness for over a year and a half, and I gave it a shot and dated a boy. It lasted two months to the very day. He broke my heart. Things didn't end well. We aren't even friends now.

I'm actually really good at handling breakups. Like, in the moment, I'm incredibly understanding and empathetic, even when I feel like exploding in anger. I never even cry in front of the guy! I save that for my roommates to deal with when I come home, collapse on my bed in a fit of sobs, and then drown them in my tears as they spoon me, play with my hair, and assure me that the world isn't over.

It's the after-the-breakup period of--FOREVER--that is so awkward for me. I never understand what we "are" after that. I don't how to handle it. (Is there a "right" way? If so, please tell me!) Instead of seeking full closure, I usually just pretend like they never existed. Avoid all confrontation. That's how I deal. Sue me.

Yep, so that happened... Went through the whole "I must not be good enough!" self-loathing cycle until I met another boy. To be honest, I'm a pretty judgmental person deep down inside, and it takes a lot to genuinely impress me. Up until meeting this particular boy, I had never been so impressed by anyone I've dated. Blinded by oh so many things, I fell head over heels for this dude. I even spent five days over the Fourth of July camping with his family. Then a week later when I went back to visit him, I was told something along the lines of, "You're great but I need to meet my eternal companion this year and dating you would keep me from finding her." Cool story, bro. He had a girlfriend not even two weeks later.

Cried over that brobag for a month and a half. 

Driving back home for the holidays earlier this evening, I literally laughed out loud as I reflected on things guys have told me. "Not to be rude, but you are awful," "Dating you is so restricting, I can't even make out with other girls," and the above mentioned experience definitely top the list. #ohmylife

I am completely and totally over "love" and anything like unto it. So done. So done with guys who claim to be men but act like hooligans. So done playing the field. So done settling for less than I deserve. So done trying to impress people by wearing makeup and pants. So done with flirting. It literally disgusts me. Every time I see people flirting--mostly at church functions--I want to run around the room waving my arms and screaming, "STOP NOW BEFORE HE RUINS YOU! HE DOESN'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT HE WANTS! YOU DESERVE A REAL MAN!"

I know what I want now more than ever, which is why I am going to wait patiently for ten years until he comes along. You know, unless somebody can find me a pepper-haired, 30-something-year-old with a career who isn't baby hungry, loves to travel and knows what he wants. In that case, I could make an early exception...

Also, earlier this year I ran for senator of my college at my university. I won the primaries, tied with my opponent in the generals, and lost by a SINGLE vote in the special extended election. That sucked. I've never tried for something so hard in my life. I've never put myself out there so much, stepped out of my comfort zone so boldly, or spoken in front of a crowd so many times. Losing that election was a major, serious, full-blown disappointment. In situations like that, you can make yourself sick playing the "What could I have done differently?" game.  In hindsight, things worked out for the better and I am much, much happier in a different position. So, thank you, dear opponent, for telling everyone, including my roommates, that I was incompetent. You did me a solid.

Fall semester was out of control. I am involved in so many wonderful, relationship building, friendship forming, horizon broadening, skill enhancing, fun things this year! The problem is exactly that--TOO many. Like, mental breakdown every other night, shower once or twice a week, get 13 hours of sleep in five days TOO many. I don't know how many times I've been given the opportunity to learn the "just say no" lesson, but obviously I haven't grasped it yet. LESSON: When you commit yourself to more than you can handle, you won't have enough time or energy to fully devote yourself to any of those commitments, and thus you'll always be displeased with yourself.

I was sure my grades would be a wreck this semester. I've never missed so many classes, turned in so many assignments late, or cared so little about my school work. On top of all of that, I had heart surgery right around midterms, two weeks before a series of dance performances. Am I completely delusional? The answer is yes. The DAY after being cut open and having a metal object shoved into my chest, I raced back to Cedar City to teach three hours of dance classes. (Thank the heavens above for friends who gladly step in as chauffeurs when you're too drugged to operate a motor vehicle or even your own eyeballs.) And then I went to 6:00 a.m. ballroom dance practice every morning that week until they sent me home and told me to stop coming. Truth be told, I literally thought I would be healed and ready to dive back into my normal life two days after the operation. I called the doctor's office three times asking what could be wrong and why I wasn't healed yet. Shockingly, I didn't give myself enough time to heal, moved around a little too much, ripped open the incision, welcoming a staph infection with open arms, and cried myself to sleep every night for almost a month because it hurt to even lie down. A trip to the ER later--only after finishing a dress rehearsal, of course--I started fighting off the infection, only to realize I was allergic to the antibiotic. JOY.

Ask me how many classes I didn't go to during this time. I lost count.

Yet, somehow, MIRACULOUSLY, I was able to push through it all and perform in both the department dance concert and the ballroom dance company concert the week after. It wasn't by my doing alone, I know that for certain.

And somehow I passed my classes.

And I'm really excited for my future and all the adventure 2014 will bring.

Like graduation.

And moving to a big city.

And a performing career.

And staying single. ;)

A Recent & Profound Observation

Let's take a moment to discuss how communication works

between me and basically any other person ever in my life...

Because it really is interesting.

Almost amusing.

We are never on the same page.

In fact, we're not even reading the same chapter.

Or book.

We're reading two different genres of novels.

And they're written in two different languages.

One is written in the Roman alphabet,

the other in ancient symbols.

And one of us is holding our book upside-down.

And I'm on a spinny ride. 

So no, don't ever ask me what is going on with anyone in my life.

Just assume the opposite of whatever "seems" to be happening.

And prepare for an emotional outburst of some kind. 

Because it's inevitable and it's coming.

And that's what I've learned about myself in relationships thus far in life.

#neveronthesamepage

#donthateonhashtags

Blessings from Disappointment

I can't even express to you the truth of this statement!

Feeling a little overwhelmed with blessings lately...

I am not accustomed to disappointment. I have been super blessed in my life

with incredible opportunities, support, all the necessities of life and then some.

That's not to say everything has been handed to me; I have also been blessed with

the drive and determination to accomplish my goals and get things done.

In a nutshell, I nearly always get what I want, whether I earn it or it is

somehow bestowed upon me. I have a pretty awesome life!

But, SPOILER ALERT, things don't always go according to plan...

This past semester was by far the most challenging of my life! (Let's get real,

I probably say that about every semester, consecutively, but really, this one was every

flavor of rough!) In multiple areas of my life, things didn’t work out how I wanted or expected them to.

People let me down. Situations seemed unfair. I didn't get what I wanted or felt like I deserved.

Disappointment hit in so many ways! It is true what "they" say, When it rains, it pours.

And then because I'm me, the world's most infamous self-critic, I looked

for ways I could have altered the outcomes of these situations. I tried desperately to

identify specific areas I must have fallen short. And then, when I couldn't clearly see what

it was I had done wrong, I concluded that I simply wasn't good enough. I blamed

myself for not being in control of situations I actually had no control over. 

 [Not a healthy place to put yourself in, folks! This whole "dealing

with disappointment" thing is a learning process for me, I get it!]

It was such a test to handle those situations with class and the faith that

everything happens for a reason. For the record, I used to hate that saying because

by my flawed logic, sometimes things happen just because they happen and you get to deal

with it, no reason attached. However, a few years ago I tried altering my outlook and have since lived

with the optimism that there are reasons behind every happening--AND IT'S WORKING!

Time and time again, the Lord proves to me that He is watching over me and is very mindful

of my little life problems. Because doors have closed, better doors have been opened

that I may not have previously recognized or imagined I would want to step through.

With patience and faith, prayers are answered, and I am yet again reminded that...

God knows me better than I know myself.

I always think I’m right, but I am not, and sometimes I need to learn that lesson 724 times.

Today I am so thankful for the humbling experiences in my life that remind me who

is truly in charge and for the new, incredible opportunities that now lie ahead! :)

SO MUCH HAPPINESS.

When you do what is right, good things come your way.

And here are some inspirational quotes on that subject, compliments of Pinterest:

Lovebirds Live Forever

My great grandmother's funeral was today.

Tears were definitely shed, but

it was anything but a bleak affair.

We know we will see her again soon.

Laughter and smiles were shared by all as we

caught up with aunts, uncles, cousins, and distant

relatives with four more kids than anybody

remembered them having last time, while

feasting from the giant bowl of chocolates

at the welcome table in the mortuary.

We shared funny memories of Grandma

and her delicious peanut butter fudge,

impeccable garden, and secret love for 

CHUCK NORRIS.

(Who knew?!)

Naturally, several people asked me if

I'm getting married anytime soon and what

my plans are for after I graduate.

"You're studying dance...? Huh... And what...?"

Marriage + Performing Aspirations = Awkward Conversation

Not awkward for me--I know what I want.

Just awkward to sit and observe while they try to

assure me it's alright that I'm not married and

have no definite plan after college. 

I'm okay with the way I'm
living my life, thank you.

The most touching part of the day for me

was learning about how my great grandparents met.

Grandma grew up on a ranch in Wyoming,

one of the youngest children in her family.

Grandpa was 8 years older than her. EIGHT YEARS.

He met her once when he went up to Wyoming for work

and was introduced to her family. He thought she

was the cutest little girl. But she really was

just that--a little girl.

So he waited for her to grow up and then went back up to marry her.

Apparently, before he died, he told this to my dad:

"She was the best and I knew it! I went up

to get her because I just had to have her!"

Isn't that just precious?!

Yeah, I cried.

And now they are together again as sweethearts in heaven!

I want my husband to be like my great grandpa.

I want to be as loving a wife as my great grandma.

I want my love to be like theirs.

Sometimes the cutest love stories aren't 

in the movies--they're in your own family.

And now I'm curious about everyone

else's love stories. I'm going to 

start asking around!

LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL.

And it's out there.

<3

Bored on Break

I've decided breaks from school are good thing but also bad

because breaks means boredom. And when you are bored you

do things like watch every available episode of Nashville on Hulu and 

create that Pinterest wedding board you said you'd never create 

and spend wayyy too much time on Facebook chat.

And then you write rambling blog posts

with no apparent subject or theme.

For the record, this year's Thanksgiving dinner was the
MOST delicious EVER! Did I feel guilty filling plate after plate with food?
Nope. Did I eat three pieces of pie? Yep. Will I have gained 17 pounds by the
end of December? Probably. I should go back to the gym. But
let's all take a minute and truly appreciate the yumminess we stuffed
in our bellies without feeling guilty. It was so worth it!

Every time I make the 3.5 hour (3 hours 17 minutes is also possible at certain
speeds) drive between my home home and my college home, I always make a new playlist

for the ride. Red licorice and singing are what keep me awake on those long desert
stretches, and SANTA'S PANTS, you are all missing out on my car karaoke! Anyway, it's
fun to look back at these playlists and see what song/artist/genre phases I've been through. There's
quite a variety, but I can't stop laughing because I just realized that without fail Beyoncé's "Irreplaceable" has made it onto EVERY. SINGLE. PLAYLIST. I'm not sure what the connection
is between that song and my soul... The only conclusion I can come to is I guess I just really
like all the dance moves I can do while singing, "To the left, to the left."

In other news, I went to the movies alone today!

Don't cry.

It's something I like to do every now and again.

It makes me feel like a free woman! And also very, very single,

but clearly I am down with that. So, there's me sitting six rows in front

of everyone else and their friends, just scream-laughing at all the

wrong parts like always! Am I the only person

in the world who does this? Please say no.

Oh! Funny roommate story... Tiana decided to make
us quiche for breakfast last Sunday. This involved chopping and
frying onions for most of the morning while the rest of us primped and
got ready for church. Well, I don't know why I bothered putting on mascara
because I was in a fit of onion tears until midday, as were my three roommates.
We walked into church with our eyes bloodshot and streaming and then sobbed
for the entire meeting, occasionally laughing which probably just looked like
more heaving sobs. The bishop and everyone around us must have thought
we had experienced some Sunday morning tragedy or roommate fall
out. It was hysterical. And now we know not to cook with onions
on Sunday mornings. It's not pretty. At all. 

And if any dudes out there ever want to talk about the political
hysterics in the 1970s sitcom All in the Family, I'll be so impressed
I might just kiss you on the spot! NOBODY KNOWS THAT SHOW.
I am so thankful I grew up in a household where Chris Farley SNL skits,
Mr. Bean, All in the Family, and The Far Side comics were introduced
to me at such a young age. This is why I'm funny, folks.

In Denial

I'M NOT SICK, I'M NOT SICK, I'M NOT SICK...

(If only repeating this mantra would make it true!)

I have no time for sickness in my life, especially these next three weeks.

If I had a normal person's life with a normal person's major and a normal person's

daily schedule, a little bug and some aches wouldn't be so bad. I could sit through

lectures and come home in the evenings and rest while watching chick

flicks and sipping soup. Doesn't that sound delightful? 

The exciting thing about being a dance major, however, is

my ENTIRE school schedule and daily routine from sun up 'til way

past sun down is physically demanding, aerobic exercise. Sometimes

for 12 hours straight without any breaks. And I can't very well

dance around with Kleenex stuffed down my leotard all day!

Is it normal to get sick at the beginning of every school year?

What the heck, body, I was counting on you! Does physically

exhausting yourself for weeks on end and not getting

enough sleep have ANYTHING to do with health?

OOPS!

Well, I am ready to battle WHATEVER this is with boxes upon boxes

of Kleenex with aloe, echinacea, vitamin C, bananas, and orange juice. 

And maybe a little more sleep...

Hope you're feeling fit as a fiddle! 

                  

                                                           ...whatever that means.