A Man in My Bed

Are you lonely?

Do you find yourself watching reruns of TV shows late at night,

wishing you had someone to snuggle up with? Do you sometimes just want to

be held but don't want the implications of noncommittal cuddling, leading a 

guy on, or welcoming a time/career usurping boyfriend into your life?

I have the solution!

Let me introduce you to a close friend of mine.

His name is Fritz, and we've been together for almost a year now.

Check out those bulging biceps! What a hunk!

Here's how Fritz and I became snuggle buddies...

My best friend and I once came across a Japanese ad for a pillow that looked like this:

And with our crafty, thrifty minds we thought,

"Hey, I bet we could make those ourselves for a lot cheaper!"

So, we took a trip to Walmart and invested in all the necessary supplies:

1 XL long-sleeved male sweater

(an upgrade in softness from the starchy button-down pictured above)

AND

pillow stuffing

(Just cut the sweater in half, stuff it to your comfort, and sew it closed!)

A few stitches later, Fritz and Nigel came to be!

They're the perfect addition to any single college girl's

bedroom, minus a best friend to share clothes with.

We named our identical twin man pillows Fritz and Nigel, carefully

selecting names that didn't correspond with anyone either of

us knew because that would make references to them

and sleeping with them totally awkward.

Fritz sleeps with me every night! I can't get comfortable without him.

He's been a shoulder to cry on, the perfect chick flick date, and he fulfills

the "professional cuddler" aspect of a boyfriend so many girls crave.

Get on it, lonely ladies! Your future plush, huggable,

committed boyfriend is only a few stitches away! 

And just for kicks and giggles, here's a picture of the male equivalent

of the "boyfriend pillow"--the "girlfriend pillow"--we also saw in that ad...

Cases of the Awkwards

Yes, I just made awkward a noun.

Face it. Awkward situations come up a lot.
And by "a lot" I mean all the time.

Hopefully, you learn to embrace them and laugh at the giant
awkward that is your life, but sometimes it's also fun to rant about
your awkwards because somebody else out there must understand...right?

Case #1:

When you're grooving to Whoomp! There It Is on the elliptical at the gym and

somebody decides to hop on the machine right next to you or directly behind you
when there are clearly 14 other machines available in the surrounding area.

Then, rather than contemplating life's deepest questions or how cool it

would be to be in a music video, you find yourself concerned with

how your butt and calves look from behind.

It's gym anti-creep etiquette to assess the situation before

selecting a machine, so as to not unduly infringe on

someone's bubble of hard-pumping oxygen.

(I thought everyone already knew that.)

And sometimes, when you're feeling especially vigorous--like
on days you just ate three large muffins, six bowls of cereal, and leg of lamb
for breakfast--you might choose to add dance arms to your elliptical workout.
And if someone is within your wingspan, they might lose an eyeball and blame you
for it, when actually they shouldn't have hopped on that machine in the first place.

If you're one of "those" people, consider yourself warned.

Case #2:

When an adult or parent of someone you know/happen to be on a date with

asks you what you are studying in school and when you say "dance performance,"

they tilt their head 20 degrees, half-smile and say, "Oh! How...fun!" followed

by the inevitable, "And what do you see yourself doing with that?"

(Come on, performing arts majors, you know this situation all too well.) 

What do I see myself doing with that?
Um.......performing dance.

But half the time you don't even feel like explaining your ambitious,
exciting life goals because you can see in their eyes that that person has already
assumed you have a lower-than-average IQ and probably don't watch the news.

(Not that I'm referencing a specific incident or anything...)

By that time, sharing your ambitions and dreams with that person--gifting
them the knowledge of the goals you've been training nearly your whole life
to attain--doesn't seem the least bit appealing. So you shrug off their ignorance
and silently remind yourself how exciting it will be to prove
all those head-tilting oh-ers wrong in the end.

Case #3:

Stoplights. Really long stoplights. When you're the only one in your car

so you can't strike up a conversation with someone and person in the car next
to you happens to be in the exact same boat. Do you look at them? Do you smile?
Do you inconspicuously check them out? (Guilty.) If you look too long, you'll miss
the light turning green and that's just embarrassing. Plus, then you lose the unspoken
race to the other side of the intersection. Which is way more embarrassing when
you're driving a retired police vehicle with an incredibly zoomy engine and
everybody knows it. What's the best way to handle this situation?

Case #4:

When the doorbell rings and you hate answering the door, so you
peer through the stained glass window to see who it is. And it's the UPS
guy walking back to his truck, having just left a package on your porch.
And then for some unknown reason he turns around and makes
eye contact with you through that tiny diamond shape in the glass
and the jig is up! Not only are you home, but you're also a serious creep.
AWK.

Case #5:

When you say hi to someone you think is looking at you but they are really
saying hi to the person behind you. And everybody else just saw it all go down.

Case #6:

In a word: Facebook.

Seriously, I do that all the time.

The Search is Over

At long last, I've found them!

The PERFECT pair of classic red pumps.

I've been on the red shoe hunt for years, people.

I've tried on pair after pair of red shoes at dozens of stores in dozens of places. 

But I've always known what I wanted, and I wasn't about to settle for anything but the best.

Welp, I was at Target today when suddenly these beauties appeared before me... 

and I knew the search was over! Can't wait to wear them!

I guess this means I'll have to shave.

P.S. Perhaps this will have some strange

parallel to meeting the man of my dreams?

Maybe I should shop at Target more often! 

First Things First

I suppose an introduction is in order.

Hi, I'm Beth.

I'm a perfectionist, a dancer, a sister, a reader, a college

student, a traveler, and the world's biggest fan of The Office.

I love laughing, napping, shopping, baking, obnoxiously bright

colors, kittens, green olives, driving through sprinklers, Chinese food,

the color purple, frogs, mismatched socks, Alfred Hitchcock, shopping,

soft things, the smell of glossy magazine pages, SpongeBob SquarePants,

going to movies all by myself, earrings, ballet, red fingernails, airplanes

and airports, craft stores, cinnamon bears, wearing sweats, singing

loudly in my car, cleaning mirrors, and bubblegum ice cream. 

I can put my feet behind my head, I don't know how to

whistle, and I failed swimming lessons multiple times.

This is my blog about my crazy, wonderful life.